Clarity
by Fenmir
Summary: Considering the fact that she's dying, it is surprisingly peaceful at the bottom of the lake. Just her and her thoughts... In this moment of utter peace and clarity, the thing she regrets most hits her.


This just popped into my head when I was re-watching the finale and I couldn't seem to shake it. So... here it is. I hope I got the tone right. Incidentally, if it seems a little disjointed to you, that's not necessarily unintentional. I wanted it to flow, but I also figured that the thought process when drowning probably isn't smooth. Having never drowned, I'm not really sure.

Disclaimer: TVD is not mine. I wish it was, though. Especially Damon.

* * *

As Matt's car goes over Wickery Bridge, all she can think about is the bitter irony at play here. Wickery Bridge has played a defining role in her life—her parents died here, she met Stefan here, Stefan almost turned her into a vampire here, it was made of the White Oak needed to kill Originals… And now she will die here, like she should have died a year and a half ago. She has been living on borrowed time ever since that day when she should have died with her parents. Nature doesn't like it when supernatural forces upset the balance, and Stefan was undoubtedly a supernatural force. This is just the universe righting itself.

_(I'm glad it's like this; no big fight, no fiery doppelgänger sacrifice, no broken neck, no one physically hurt but me.)_

She sees Stefan, and it the sight of him doesn't fill her with relief. She just feels tired, and sad. When she was at the bottom of this lake with her parents, her father sacrificed his life so she could live. And now she finally understands why he did what he did, because the idea of her living and Matt dying hurts her more than the pressure of the water against her. It's the give and take of the universe. She has already been given a second chance—now it's her turn to give Matt one.

_(I hope he does a better job with his second chance than I did with mine)_

It's OK. Everything is going to be OK. She is going to see them again—Alaric, Jenna, her mother and father. Everyone she has lost, she will finally get back. Somehow, it's going to be OK. Matt, Caroline and Bonnie will take care of Jeremy. They will miss her, but they will go on. It will be OK. It has to be OK.

_(I hope I can watch over them from wherever I'm going) _

A tiny part of her wishes that Stefan had ignored her wishes and had saved her anyway. Not that she wants Matt to die—she'd rather he saved Matt. It's just… Damon would've done whatever it took to get her out of there alive. Damon would have let her hate him for it, and he wouldn't have cared, as long as she was OK. Stefan would rather let her die than let her hate him. She can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing about Stefan. Maybe it's a little bit of both. Anyway, it doesn't really matter now. The time for weighing the pros and cons of each of the brothers is long past.

_(Besides, Stefan wasn't the one who promised never to leave me, that was Damon.) _

Her life flashes before her eyes, and she thinks about what she has done in her 18 years. She thinks about the things she wishes she'd told people but never had either the chance or the courage. She runs through the countless scenarios that could have, that should have, gone differently.

_(Damon should have gone differently.) _

Considering the fact that she's dying, it is surprisingly peaceful at the bottom of the lake. It is just her and her regrets, spending a few more moments together. Ironically, this is the first time that she can really think about the Salvatore brothers without being interrupted by anything else—without being pressured to make a decision that she doesn't know how to make. In this moment of utter clarity, the thing she regrets most about her life hits her.

_(Maybe Damon is right. Maybe I do make bad decisions.)_

In that moment, as the one thing that she will regret most hits her, she **gets** it for the first time. She knows who it is, and who it will always be. She has always known, she was just too scared of losing one of them to admit it. She was too scared of what he made her feel to admit it.

_(I never told Damon I love him. I should have told Damon I love him.) _

She has a vague, dream-like memory of his voice telling her that she wants a love that consumes her, that she wants adventure, and a little bit of danger. He's right, she knows that now. Yes, she wanted a beautiful love story. But she also wanted a grand, epic love that would consume her and turn her world inside out and upside down. That was the love Damon had offered her, and she'd been too caught up in her safe love to take it. And she feels guilty, because there is so much she should have said to him when she had the chance.

_(He deserves so much more than I ever gave him) _

She has never been a religious person, but she uses her last moments to pray that he knows she loves him, even though she's never told him. She prays that he keeps it together without her—that he doesn't go off the rails and do something stupid. There is so much good in him….

_(There is more good in him than in me) _

She knows him, though. She thinks, she knows, that he's going to take off his ring and join her. Even in death, he will keep chasing her. He will keep giving her second chances, and this time she won't screw it up. This time, she knows who she is and she knows what she wants—what she needs. She finds that fact perversely comforting.

_(It's too bad it took death for me to figure it all out) _

She dies peacefully, a smile curving her face and his name on her lips.

_(I love you)_

* * *

Let me know what you think? :)


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